Post by Destro on Jun 12, 2005 1:57:09 GMT -5
I'd been waiting for it to happen, and it finally did; I saw my ex w/ some other guy. It really hurt. A funny part (the only funny part) is that the first thing I thought when I saw him was "hey, I'm better looking than that guy!" Might not be nice, but that's how I felt and it's a pretty basic response to the situation. I was at work when it happened, and she walked right by, hand in hand w/ him and ignored me. I'm not sure if she could tell if I saw her or not. A few minutes later I talked to her (to either prove to her or myself that I was ok w/ seeing her w/ someone else; probably both). She talked about visiting a friend in alaska and I talked about possibly getting an apartment with a friend. She didn't introduce me to him, and I'm glad she didn't; I'm sure she would've felt awkward about that as much as I would...
...And I was crushed, as I knew I would be. I almost started crying in the middle of walmart and I felt pathetic. Pathetic for almost crying. Pathetic that she had moved on and I hadn't. I talked to some work friends and they helped me feel a bit better, but the sad thing is even after seeing her w/ him I clung to the idea that we'd get back together, an idea I've held on to for the last...almost a year now..11 months yesterday...
And bc of all this I've been rehashing our breakup in my mind yet again. Why? That was the main question I don't think I'll ever be able to answer for myself. We were in love, we talked about marriage, but suddenly, poof, it was over. She said we "didn't have enough in common." Makes no sense whatsoever. I kept replaying the scene in my mind of her and this other guy holding hands and it tore me apart. I talked to a good friend at work for an hour or so after work (he recently broke up w/ someone), and that helped too, but I was, and still am, in considerable pain.
I bawled my eyes out today. I came home from work in a bad mood, my only hope being that I was planning on calling my pastor for counseling, but he said he'd be gone all week. I can't wait all week. So I cried. Cried bc I felt hopeless. Cried because she doesn't care about me. Cried because my love wasn't returned.
I then decided that it was about d**n time I burned some of the stuff she had given me. I've known I needed to get rid of it, but I couldn't just throw it away, it needed to be burned. I went out to my grandpa's farm with some pictures, a drawing, a letter, a card and a bunch of slips of paper that had short love messages that she would hide around the house for me to find..
..I burned the drawing first; it didn't really mean much, just some sketches of a spray can and my copy of pride and prejudice..then I read the slips and burned them...notes telling me how she cared, why she loved me...and one of her high school pictures. I read the letter, thanking me for being the "cutest, sweetest, greatest boyfriend in the world." So much for that sentiment. I read the card saying that she wanted to love me forever and that "the last three years have been great and I hope the ones to come will be even better." Yeah..half a year later she broke up w/ me.
The last two things I burned were the last two pictures of her I had; two high school senior pictures. I threw one in the fire, then held the other while it burned until I had to let it go...
Then I prayed. I asked God for a new beginning. I asked him to help me put this behind me.
I then talked to the fire, the fire that had consumed what had been so important to me, as if the fire was Kristen herself. I told her that I don't hate her; I don't understand her, but I don't hate her. I told her that I hope she will be happy, even though seeing her happy might cause me pain. I told her goodbye, blew her a kiss and walked away....
EDIT: I talked for a few hours w/ my best friend and I feel a lot better about the situation; I'm starting to feel more and more that I can move on. My friend said that maybe the breakup wasn't really about me, and that does make some sense..
I think it'll still be awhile before I date, but I realize that this too shall pass and there's someone out there for me.
...And I was crushed, as I knew I would be. I almost started crying in the middle of walmart and I felt pathetic. Pathetic for almost crying. Pathetic that she had moved on and I hadn't. I talked to some work friends and they helped me feel a bit better, but the sad thing is even after seeing her w/ him I clung to the idea that we'd get back together, an idea I've held on to for the last...almost a year now..11 months yesterday...
And bc of all this I've been rehashing our breakup in my mind yet again. Why? That was the main question I don't think I'll ever be able to answer for myself. We were in love, we talked about marriage, but suddenly, poof, it was over. She said we "didn't have enough in common." Makes no sense whatsoever. I kept replaying the scene in my mind of her and this other guy holding hands and it tore me apart. I talked to a good friend at work for an hour or so after work (he recently broke up w/ someone), and that helped too, but I was, and still am, in considerable pain.
I bawled my eyes out today. I came home from work in a bad mood, my only hope being that I was planning on calling my pastor for counseling, but he said he'd be gone all week. I can't wait all week. So I cried. Cried bc I felt hopeless. Cried because she doesn't care about me. Cried because my love wasn't returned.
I then decided that it was about d**n time I burned some of the stuff she had given me. I've known I needed to get rid of it, but I couldn't just throw it away, it needed to be burned. I went out to my grandpa's farm with some pictures, a drawing, a letter, a card and a bunch of slips of paper that had short love messages that she would hide around the house for me to find..
..I burned the drawing first; it didn't really mean much, just some sketches of a spray can and my copy of pride and prejudice..then I read the slips and burned them...notes telling me how she cared, why she loved me...and one of her high school pictures. I read the letter, thanking me for being the "cutest, sweetest, greatest boyfriend in the world." So much for that sentiment. I read the card saying that she wanted to love me forever and that "the last three years have been great and I hope the ones to come will be even better." Yeah..half a year later she broke up w/ me.
The last two things I burned were the last two pictures of her I had; two high school senior pictures. I threw one in the fire, then held the other while it burned until I had to let it go...
Then I prayed. I asked God for a new beginning. I asked him to help me put this behind me.
I then talked to the fire, the fire that had consumed what had been so important to me, as if the fire was Kristen herself. I told her that I don't hate her; I don't understand her, but I don't hate her. I told her that I hope she will be happy, even though seeing her happy might cause me pain. I told her goodbye, blew her a kiss and walked away....
EDIT: I talked for a few hours w/ my best friend and I feel a lot better about the situation; I'm starting to feel more and more that I can move on. My friend said that maybe the breakup wasn't really about me, and that does make some sense..
I think it'll still be awhile before I date, but I realize that this too shall pass and there's someone out there for me.